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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27267262">Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_gays_that_arent_in_space/pseuds/Space_gays_that_arent_in_space'>Space_gays_that_arent_in_space</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Anxiety Attacks, Background Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Background Dirk Strider, Background Het, Background Jade Harley, Bisexual Dave Strider, Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Cheating, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Closet Sex, Closeted Character, Drunken Confessions, F/M, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Karkat Needs a Hug, Karkat Swearing, M/M, More like nook but still, Nook Eating (Homestuck), POV Dave Strider, POV Second Person, Penis In Vagina Sex, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Purring Trolls (Homestuck), Sad Dave Strider, Semi-Public Sex, Sort Of, Tentacle Dick, Top Dave, Trolls (Homestuck), musician au</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:22:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,861</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27267262</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_gays_that_arent_in_space/pseuds/Space_gays_that_arent_in_space</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t your first kiss with Karkat. </p><p>No, that came not long after the birth of Circlejerk. You were hanging out in his backyard, both of you red faced and practically ready to throw up. You were talking about girls you liked, and kisses, of course, came up. Then you found out he hadn’t had his first kiss, you hadn’t either, though you tried to play it off. It was lame. Stupid.</p><p>Karkat kissed you right on your mouth at 6pm on the 18th of May eight years ago. Then, for a few months, things were weird between you, more intimate. You told each other so many secrets, gave up so many fears. You let him see you without your shades. You didn’t kiss again after that, but you didn’t need to. It was after that kiss that Karkat really, truly became your best friend-something more. You want your kisses with Jade to feel like that, like they complete you. The two times you’ve kissed Karkat are seared hot and bright into your memory. They brand you and bind you to him eternally.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave Strider &amp; Karkat Vantas, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jade Harley/Dave Strider</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardboardcoasts/gifts">cardboardcoasts</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This ended up way longer than I expected, like seriously this was supposed to be 5000 words at most and I'm this close to writing a second chapter with the aftermath. I'm not sure though. Shout out to my homie Ri for coming up with the name Circlejerk for Dave's band, ily baby!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Karkat tells you about the job offer, you are in the middle of Nowhere, Arizona loading up the bus with gas and snacks. He’d been weird for the entirety of the drive from Texas, you figured it was going to be something petty, maybe he pissed off Kankri before he left, or maybe he forgot to mention to Sollux that he was going on this trip before he gave back a game, but not this. Fuck, this was most definitely not even on your fucking radar of possible shit that Karkat could say to you, and yet here you are. Hot as balls, feeling the sweat drip down your chin and dust fill up your lungs. 
</p><p>”You gonna take it?”
</p><p>You have more questions, you want to know when and how and why the fuck anyone even approached Karkat when he’s been with you guys for so long, but you’ll wait because there really isn’t any other way you can take action. He swallows, sweating through the collar of his sweatshirt. He looks ridiculous dressed like this, practically panting right in front of you. It’s weird, with how much he’s swearing despite how hot he is. You can’t help but wonder if maybe trolls can’t take heat <i>at all</i> and Karkat is really just too hot for his own good. Not in like an attractive way, of course. No no no, you just mean that he’s so physically warm that it comes as a detriment to himself, and that other trolls are most likely a very cool species most likely, probably, hopefully. You want to smack yourself in the face.
</p><p>His gaze is steely, like he’s mad, but you know that he’s not mad, at least he can’t be mad yet because you haven’t done shit but ask why the Hell he’s running off between his tail between his legs. He opens his mouth just as Jane comes up, she sees you two looking at each other, and when Karkat’s eyes land on her he speaks.
</p><p>”I don’t fucking know, but I’m not going to say no or anything.”
</p><p>He stalks off after that, heading into the gas station right behind John and Jake. Jade has her arms wrapped around you and she looks angry. 
</p><p>”What was that about?”
</p><p>”Karkat got a job offer or something. I dunno. I bet he’s gonna go manage the wiggles or something, couldn’t you imagine him backstage singing fruit salad or something. Shit, maybe I’ll have to ask him, see if we can get him into a comically large carrot costume and have him shake a little tambourine around before he leaves us.”
</p><p>”He told you he’s taking the offer?”
</p><p>”Nah, not yet, but he didn’t say he wasn’t gonna go for it either so,” You shrug at her, patting her head in the meantime and trying not to think about the band without him. 
</p><p>Karkat has been around since the early conceptualization of Circlejerk, back when it was just a bunch of middle schoolers fucking around in John’s garage with a bunch of random instruments. He was the glue that held you all together back in high school, and now he wants to go. Part of you has always expected this to happen, even back when your Youtube videos were taking off, you could imagine the band breaking up to go to college instead of, well, this, but the thought hurts now more than ever. Karkat has been the outer cover to your dvd case, keeping even the most cracked parts of you still mostly in tact before someone could really fix it. He’s been nothing less than a screamy-narcy-perfect asshole for the last eight years of this band, and you want it to last for even longer. 
</p><p>You tighten your grip on Jade, pressing your head to the top of her sweat matted. She’s just as sweaty as you are and already catching the same tan everyone else has had for days because of all the outdoor gigs. You’ve gotta make to Phoenix before 4pm because of your gig tonight. You try to imagine Karkat not being there for it, even though you know full well he will be. 
</p><p>He hasn’t taken the job yet. 
</p><p>You’re being unreasonable all because Karkat said he was offered a job, you’re acting like a little bitch. This kind of panic is something John would go through, but not you. Strider guys never freak out, even if Dirk is kind of a worrywart, he’s still cool about it. You draw in a deep breath through your nose and let it out into the air. It’s too thick and dry and you stifle a cough. Jade let’s you go after not too long, your body is too warm for her just like hers is for you. 
</p><p>”see ya in a sec” Is all you say to her as you head back on to the bus. 
</p><p>You’re alone now, in the shitty little bus you rented as means to ride around in style. Your studio paid for it, and it sort of eels like a rock star’s tour bus save for the stains that linger everywhere, some of which are from you. You kick off your shoes, toeing at a long darkened spot on the carpet. The air conditioner is a sweet reprieve and you take this time alone to take off your shirt, better to change while no one can ogle your hot bod. You snort at yourself, only to jump about three seconds later like some sort of fucking idiot because Jake and John are stepping right back on to the bus, arms full of snacks to keep you all fed for the next five hours. You pull your fresh shirt on over your head and sit down on your bunk. It’s easier to talk with the two of them than it is with Karkat. Despite how long the two of your have known each other, and all the infinitely infinitesimal ways that you’ve learned to communicate with each other, there’s always something hanging in the air between the two of you, like something needs to give. You refuse to acknowledge what it could be-what it is. After all, you have Jade, and she’s all that you need. 
</p><p>Karkat comes back only right before you leave, the look on his face even more pensive than before. You feel your stomach sink, and rather than approaching him you roll away. You have a performance later, better to let all your mental bullshit get back to you after you’re done dropping your sick ass songs to an audience of people who paid to see you play. 
</p><p>You remember back when it was just you and Karkat, when you showed him your song book because it was easier than explaining what Bro did at home. Dirk had just left at the time, off in the city learning to be whatever the fuck an adult was. He had dealt with Bro for just as long as you had-longer, and he needed time to be able to get you out. You remember how much rougher things got after he left, there wasn’t anyone else to help you out, sneak you aj in the middle of the night or take your beatings. You started wearing your shades all the fucking time then, but they were cool, <i>you</i> were cool. Even if your friends said you looked like a dipshit, you knew-you still know- that they’re the best protective gear you’ve got. Nothing can get to you if you’ve got the shades on, that was what Dirk told you when he gave you the shades and you believe that even to this day. Better to keep them on all the time then, better to protect yourself rather than let dumb emotions come in and fuck up your head, scramble your brain like eggs for the best god damn breakfast buffet this side of the Mississippi.
</p><p>You don’t know when you fall asleep, but you do, and your dreams are full of dark tunnels with light at the end and clocks.
</p><p>Dirk is shaking you, something like worry on his face. You feel your once fresh shirt clinging to your skin just the same, the sun is setting and you see an actual city around you. Fuck. It’s time.
</p><p>There’s a certain energy that always infects you when you’re getting ready to perform. Of course, you’re sure to never show it on your face. You’re cool headed, always. It’s one of the many Ways of The Strider, as it were. There is nowhere near enough time between you and Karkat and you getting on stage, not when there’s so much that was definitely left unsaid back at the gas station and in the bus and right now. He doesn’t have to take the job, you know this. He probably won’t, but this is the first time he’s ever been scouted since you got signed. He’s a fantastic manager, great at telling you where you have to be and what you have to do and how you’ve gotta do it. He’s a Type A control freak by nature and it’s one of his best qualities when he’s taking care of all of you. You cannot imagine the ship that is Circlejerk running without him. 
</p><p>Jade is helping everyone with their stuff checks while Karkat talks to the venue owners. You’re being ungrateful when there’s so much shit in front of you that you ought to be happy for what you have and where the fuck you left and all of that cheesy bullshit. You use it to center yourself, the thought of being with the girl you’ve known since you were sixteen and being able to play music with the people you love. Yeah, you’re happy. You’re happy as fuck. You’re so fucking happy that all the shit you’re ready to shit your pants over don’t even matter anymore. 
</p><p>Your head is buzzing when you walk on stage, it’s just you, Dirk, and John now. 
</p><p>The weight of your guitar in your arms is steadying, it reminds you of why the fuck you just drove the last seven and a half hours. The crowd isn’t insane, not an arena, but fuck is it bigger than you’re used to. As cool as you know you are, it’s weird, seeing how many people who wanna listen to you sing. You can’t imagine that all of them are here to listen to your, absolutely godly, voice. You can’t imagine that they want <i>you</i>. You glance to the left, right where everyone is, right where Karkat is. He’s still there, watching you with the same intensity as he has since you were thirteen. You remember playing your shitty little acoustic guitar for him in his room. His dad and his brother were out, just you and him and the heavy silence between the two of you. He’d just gotten into a fight and you wanted to wait with him till his dad got home, you knew that he’d be in trouble for a long ass time, longer than a life fucking sentence, so you wanted to show it to him then. He was bleeding all over the fucking place too, red all down the front of his shirt and you having him hold your sweatshirt to his nose while you played. 
</p><p>You sang for him then, out in the open air of a house that was soon going to be stifling. You didn’t know when Crabdad was gonna get home, you didn’t care. It’s not like Bro cared either, so you played for him, loud and long. You sang your little thirteen year old heart out for him and watched as Karkat seemed to take solace in it. It was weird, that little feeling in your heart, the desire to see that look in his eyes again, like you did something really good for once. 
</p><p>You play with that in mind, though you’d never betray it on your face. There’s no way in Hell you’d let yourself be vulnerable like that in front of a crowd as big as this one, but you hold it close to your heart, like a locket or some other gay shit. 
</p><p>You’re realizing how much you’ve been looking to Karkat during this song, nowhere near close enough to Jade for you to play it off. Your face feels hot and God you can’t help but wonder if she’s noticed. You don’t want her to get the wrong idea, to think that you’re in love with your best motherfucking guy friend Karkles-KK Slider-fucking Karkat Marx of all people, never. 
</p><p>You like Jade.
</p><p>Because you like girls.
</p><p>You do not like Karkat.
</p><p>Because Karkat is a guy and you’d never be interested in a guy that way.
</p><p>Not that there’s any problem with liking guys that way, no, not at all. In fact, Dirk is super fucking gay and you respect him for it, especially because he managed to meet Jake while on the road. He had been something like a groupie and something like a drifter, you aren’t really sure how he ended up with you instead of at his university, but Dirk is happier with him than he was without, and you’ve seen him go through too many assholes. You like Jake, Jake is trustworthy and perfect for a guy like your brother, not to mention that he’s pretty hot. In a totally platonic bro way. 
</p><p>You feel hot down to your neck, instead of thinking about all the guys you know, why can’t you just think about your fucking girlfriend? Your sweet, hot girlfriend who is standing off to the side in your rad yet fucking stupid merchandise, swaying back and forth to your songs.
</p><p>Jade’s the fucking best. 
</p><p>Jade is cool and smart and funny and daring and you like her so much. You’ve liked her since the day you met her, in something of an ironic way, of course. You liked her because she Got It, even when she didn’t. She was genuine and as much as you hate that quality in people it was almost fun in her. Jade was one of your best friends for about six months, and then she became your girlfriend, and she has been for the last five years. She’s a good girlfriend. You are happy. 
</p><p>You are so fucking happy. 
</p><p>You’re succeeding at your dreams and you’re free to do whatever you want because you’re a goddamn musician and you don’t live with Bro anymore. Everything is hunky fucking doory. You focus on that happiness. Happiness that burns through your stomach like rage and bile and everything you hate about yourself. You use that happiness to help you sing. Never once giving up your face of absolute collection while you do, of course. Who are you if not a master of control and compartmentalization. 
</p><p>The concert goes better than expected, two full encores and a t-shirt thrown on stage. You feel like a motherfucking rock star, and what do rock stars do after such a successful fucking concert? They get drunk.
</p><p>The bar you all go to is mostly empty and on the outskirts of town. It’s sweet and small and reminds you of home in a weird way. You don’t fight the instinct to sit beside Karkat, and Jade doesn’t expect you to. Instead, she sits right beside you and you try to settle your arm around her as casually as you can. It’s less awkward than usual, not with Jake and John running their mouths about the Karkat. It’s easy like this, it reminds you of the old days, almost. Back when you all just got to hang out and there wasn’t the looming threat of Karkat possibly leaving you for someone else. Musically of course. 
</p><p>You end up with a vodka cranberry because that’s what Karkat orders, John, Jake, and Jade all have beers, and Dirk’s got a whiskey neat. Whatever, this is fine. You and your best bro are drinking the same drink and-vodka makes your stomach burn. You forgot about how much the sensation fucks with you, but it doesn’t matter because Karkat is sucking his down like it’s his morning coffee. It’s fucking ridiculous, he’s vacuuming it down so fast that you don’t even have enough time to make a comment. It’s just, there Karkaterpillar is drinking the shit down like it’s his twenty-first birthday all over again and someone else is paying his tab, which, you guess someone is, but still. You end up having to play catch up until suddenly he’s on his fourth and you’re on your sixth. Everyone else is way behind you two, but you feel fine, you are fine. You’re perfectly sober and fine and you and Karkat are simply having a staredown over who’s gonna order their next drink. Suddenly, almost as if it has just now struck you, you realize how fucking pretty Karkat is, only objectively so. 
</p><p>He’s super pretty. 
</p><p>His teeth push him into a constant pouty little scowl and you can still sort of see the weird amount of muscle he’s built up in the last few years beneath his hoodie. His eyes are red now, unlike when you two were kids. He looks like an unconventional leading man, and you know he would be. You know how he'd treat you-or really anybody. Yeah, anybody at all. He’d treat any sort of romantic partner with the utmost love and respect because he’s a cheesy, romance movie loving bastard. You respect him for it, respect how devoted he is to his ideals. It’s cute, it’s sweet, it makes you just wanna grab him up in your arms and-Jade is patting your side. You look over at Jade and her face is unreadable, suddenly Karkat is flushed, and you realize that you’d basically been gazing homoerotically into your bro’s eyes for the last like two minute while everyone decided that it was time to go home. You try to talk to Jade on the bus, not at all sounding desperate of course, but she calls you drunk in that weirdly sweet voice of her and holds your arm.
</p><p>The room division was decided like this. Dirk and Jake get their own room, Karkat and John share a room, and you and Jade share a room. It’s the perfect layout, even though you and Karkat live together, and you and Jade really only ever hang out when Karkat is around, and you feel a strange sinking feeling when you get in the room. You wonder if Karkat feels the same, just as strangely worried as you are. You won’t take off your glasses for Jade, not tonight, you don’t have it in you. Instead, you fall on top of the covers and squeeze your eyes closed, like that will send you back to your room and back to your apartment and back where Karkat is. You’ve always hated this aspect of touring, when you’re not on the bus you can’t sleep, you feel too bare, too open, like you’re sleeping on the couch back home. The thought sends a shiver up your spine. 
</p><p>You feel Jade sink into the bed with a sigh, you feel bad, you should’ve been less of an asshole to her than you were earlier. You’ll play her a song in the morning, or something. 
</p><p>You wait a long time like that, curled up next to Jade and half asleep, not quite able to relax enough to be able to really get any rest. Instead, you end up texting Karkat, asking if he’s still up which he of course is. You resolve to meet at the pool. You don’t know what you want or what you’re expecting when you go, maybe just the chance to ask him about the job, or maybe you just wanna see his face for some sense of peace of mind. Either way, when you see him looking into that absolutely filthy pool water you find yourself smiling.
</p><p>You sit beside him, right on the edge of the pool. 
</p><p>”Hey”
</p><p>”Hi,” his voice is terse
</p><p>”So who the hell is trying hire you? Some kiddie band right? They want you to help with babysitting.”
</p><p>”Fuck off. It’s the other guy signed at the studio, Terminally Capricious or some inanely stupid shit like that. They think we’d ‘make a good team’. You know, I can’t believe they’re trying to convince me to work with some stupid sopor addled highblood. Have you ever seen his interviews Dave, they’re a joke. He just goes on about miracles and being brothers and all that other bullshit and it makes me wanna throttle him. What the fuck could be going through his pan to make him think that anyone is even invested in shit like that, and he’s constantly late. Every single information source I’ve looked up goes on and on about how utterly useless this imbecile is!” 
</p><p>You watch him go on, swinging his arms around while he speaks, they move like he’s a fucking inflatable tube man. You take his wrist in your hand. 
</p><p>”You gonna go work for him?”
</p><p>”Like I said, I don’t know Dave. It’s nice to know I have options though, even if this mediocre at best human band is taking off, how long will it last? Even if things here don’t work I want to know that I have the chance to prove my worthiness somewhere else.”
</p><p>It stings, hearing him say that, but you can’t help but agree. If things with Karkat as your manager fell through you know that he would want you to go on without him. Karkat Vantas is as much utilitarian as he is emotional. It’s his way, or maybe it’s the way that trolls are. You aren’t sure. 
</p><p>You nod at what he has to say, he isn’t wrong. You have to tell him that. You have to tell him that it’s okay if he wants to take a bigger step for his career. 
</p><p>”I’d miss you.”
</p><p>It comes out too raw, too honest. 
</p><p>He sighs, “I’d miss you too Dave.”
</p><p>He looks like he’s staring defeat in the face. You don’t like it. In fact, it makes you almost angry. Why is sticking all of the shit out with you so bad, why does he look so pained that you’re telling him that he’s been a great manager and a great bro, why the fuck is he looking at you like that?!
</p><p>He heard you. You were muttering to yourself and he heard you. It’s his turn to be angry now. He looks absolutely fucking pissed. 
</p><p>”What Dave, do you want me to act like I’m not torn about this huge decision right in front of me? Of course I want to stay but you need to realize that this is just as big for me as getting signed was for you! God, you’re so fucking self centered sometimes, you know that-” You cut him off right at the end and kiss him.
</p><p>Your lips bump into his teeth and they cut you a little, you taste the blood in your mouth. He kisses back fast, fighting you, like he’s trying to take control of everything that’s just happened between the two of you. You grab his face tight, you won’t let him pull away-can’t let him pull away. Not now, not ever. He’s been with you since you were eleven, he’s been your rock for a fucking decade. He isn’t allowed to just leave you now. You kiss him with all the desperation you can muster. He grabs back, grappling at your shirt and holding it tight in his fists. Fuck. Karkat is your fucking rock and you can’t imagine a life without him. 
</p><p>You lick into his mouth and he opens up with a whine. The texture is weird, off almost, like sandpaper and silk, an anomaly that can only be found in a fucking alien boy, of course. A boy from the stars, made of stars, a boy you’ve known since the sixth grade that has been nothing short of fucking amazing to you. He’s the Sweet Bro to your Hella Jeff, the sickness to your rhymes, the sharpness to your sword. You move, trying to push him back on to the slippery tile. You’re sporting a half chub now and you have no clue what you’re going to do. He rolls his hips up against you and you feel something squirming. What the fuck? God does his alien dick move? You feel like you could bust in your pants from it, but you don’t-you won’t. You want to relish in this moment as best you can. Karkat seems to have the same idea, kissing at whatever skin he has access to while you two grind against each other like a couple of teenagers. Fuck, someone could walk in on you, but you don’t care. Does it even matter at this point? No one will walk in on you, not John, not Jake, not Dirk, not-fuck. Karkat is pushing you off of him now, like he knows exactly what you just thought of. He looks horrified and confused and <i>hurt</i>.
</p><p>Jade.
</p><p>Jade who is asleep in your room, none the wiser that you even snuck out. 
</p><p>Jade is sleeping in the hotel room and instead of kissing her, you’re out in the pool swapping alien spit with your best friend. Fuck. You’re an asshole, a douchebag, the douchiest of douchebags. You’re a shit ass motherfucking individual and you really just took an absolute diarrhea level crap on this whole situation. 
</p><p>Karkat is rambling about needing to go and how late it is and how you need to go to bed soon and all you can think of is the way that your mouth tingles with heat, the very same heat that you had right in your hands just a few moments ago. Your whole body is tingling, all your nerves are on fire and your chub hasn’t flagged. Lil Dave is being too much of a trooper right now.
</p><p>You jerk off in the scalding hot shower of your hotel bathroom, and when you get in bed beside Jade you try to hold her as close as you know you ought to. 
</p><p>Karkat is weird in the morning and you both know why, Jade doesn’t ask about the cut on your lip, of course he’s being weird, why wouldn’t he? You pulled the biggest douchebag move of the century right in front of all that dirty pool water and begged him to stay with you, to top it off you aren’t even-fuck it. You can’t do it right now. Instead of focusing on your sexuality and what you are most definitely not interested in in the slightest, you focus on breakfast and whatever the fuck John is talking about. Oh, Karkat is talking now. 
</p><p>”Like I said John, I think things with Circlejerk as an enterprise <i>are</i> going well, but that’s all the more reason for me to go manage someone with the cognitive ability of a wiggler that deserves to be culled rather than a bunch of wigglers with a minute chance of survival. Besides, it’s not like I’m ditching you guys. We’ll still be in the same city and at the same studio, you don’t need to act so fucking dependent. I’m staying until we get to LA and then, at the studio, I’ll meet whoever the fuck this guy is.”
</p><p>You feel nauseous, and not because you’re hungover. 
</p><p>The rug just got ripped out from under you. You’re a glass fucking table and the rug just got ripped out from under you, now you’re a bunch of broken pieces all over the place and there’s no one home who’s gonna sweep it all up. Fuck. Your eyes sting. Fuck. You are not crying over a plate of sunny side up eggs and bacon. You will not cry in front of everyone. Strider Men don’t cry. Strider Men don’t cry and you’re nothing if not the manliest fucking Strider out there. Karkat is leaving. Your brain short circuits. Karkat is leaving. Karkat is leaving. Karkat is leaving. Karkat is leaving and never coming back just like your mom and just like Roxy and just like Rose. Everyone is looking at you now and before you notice your hands have started shaking. You take a breath, Jade is running her hand up your spine. You pretend to calm down. 
</p><p>”Congrats.” is the only thing that you can choke out.
</p><p>You have more to say, like that you’re sorry, you’re sorry that you kissed him and you don’t want him to leave because you were being weird. You’re sorry and he’s your best friend. You’re sorry and <i>please don’t leave</i>.
</p><p>Karkat looks at you like he’s seen a ghost, and for a moment he finally meets your eyes. You want to communicate everything to him with just that look, but instead of finding the weird flurry of feelings you’re experiencing, all you see is stark resignation. You won’t be able to convince him to stay. No, he’s made up his mind and now you just have to take it. You oughta look into who Terminally Capricious is, just for the sake of Karkat, of course. You don’t have a gnawing curiosity that is now driving you crazy at all hours of every moment of every day. Not at all. Best friends don’t need to be together constantly Dave. They can live separate lives and not be together every single second of every fucking day, you’re being desperate. 
</p><p>The rest of the trip is a daze, Arizona on to Colorado on to Utah on to Nevada. You sing, of course. You sing your silly songs and strum your silly little instrument and kiss your silly girlfriend and talk to your silly friends. All of it is a joke, and you can’t help but think that maybe this is what you deserve. Maybe this is your punishment for all those years of nothing. 
</p><p>It wasn’t your first kiss with Karkat. 
</p><p>No, that came not long after the birth of Circlejerk. You were hanging out in his backyard, both of you red faced and practically ready to throw up. You were talking about girls you liked, and kisses, of course, came up. Then you found out he hadn’t had his first kiss, you hadn’t either, though you tried to play it off. It was lame. Stupid.
</p><p>Karkat kissed you right on your mouth at 6pm on the 18th of May eight years ago. Then, for a few months, things were weird between you, more intimate. You told each other so many secrets, gave up so many fears. You let him see you without your shades. You didn’t kiss again after that, but you didn’t need to. It was after that kiss that Karkat really, truly became your best friend-something more. You want your kisses with Jade to feel like that, like they complete you. The two times you’ve kissed Karkat are seared hot and bright into your memory. They brand you and bind you to him eternally. LA is nothing but the same hot sun you’re used to. It’s palm trees and beaches and people who make you feel suffocated because everywhere is a crowd. Dirk feels the same, you can tell. You watch him stiffen up just like you, watch him settle closer to Jake. You want Karkat. Even though he’s leading the group of you you feel like he’s already gone, he’s about to be anyway. 
</p><p>You bury your hands in your pockets and fiddle with the lint there. 
</p><p>You feel sick. 
</p><p>You keep your expression neutral as Karkat drops you off for the last time. He says that the new guy will be there before the recording session is over, he’s got to go meet with Capricious. He watches you with hate in his eyes. You know it isn’t real though, you know that he wants to hug you just as bad as you wanna hug him. Instead, he bids a manager’s farewell, Jake and John and Jade all crushing him in blubbering hugs. Dirk’s lip twitches, like he wants to say something, instead, he says a terse goodbye and walks right in. You want to follow after him, instead you let everyone else load up into the studio. Dirk and John need time to get ready anyway. 
</p><p>You stare at Karkat who stares right back at you. 
</p><p>”I-” You try to start and Karkat cuts you off. 
</p><p>”See you in a few days Dave. Apparently you and this guy are playing at the same festival. I’ll be sure to watch your first totally shitty performance without me and my greatness.”
</p><p>You manage a smile. 
</p><p>”Yeah”
</p><p>With that, Karkat leaves you for the very last time. 
</p><p>Your new manager is Vriska Serket, a troll girl who seems to have John smitten immediately. She’s brash and loud and kind of a bitch, you like it. At the very least you know that she’ll fight with you in a way that’s utterly treacherous. She’s never heard your music before, that’s okay. Better for her to be exposed to it while you’re working out the tweaks, right? Wrong. Vriska is, so you’ve been told, a great manager. Great at booking gigs and running backstage like a fucking army base. Her charisma is out of this world and you admit she’s a looker, but Jesus Christ is she an over critical piece of shit. She complains for the entirety of recording until finally Jade kicks her out so you can work in peace. You’re grateful for it, but now you don’t have any sort of distraction. All you can do is sing and think of Karkat. 
</p><p>You hope he’s doing okay. Hope that Capricious isn’t some sort of villain who plans on using Karkat’s innate kindness, though rude as it is, against him. You figure Karkat won’t let it happen, doesn’t stop you from thinking about it though. 
</p><p>You think about Karkat a lot from that point on. He’s, like, 85% of your brain. The other 10% devoted to your music and the very last 5% the things you <i>should</i> be worried about. Things like Jade, who’s just as sad about Karkat leaving as you are. She cries a lot at night, tells you that she knows he’s fine but can’t feel like you’ve lost part of the family. Karkat is like a brother to her, he’s like a brother to John, you, too. 
</p><p>He isn’t. 
</p><p>Karkat is more than family to you. 
</p><p>You cry in the shower a lot.
</p><p>You see Karkat again about four weeks later, backstage at the music festival you’re playing. It’s where you see Terminally Capricious for the very first time in the flesh. You’ve read up on him a bit, listened to his music, just so that you can try to find out the kind of person Karkat is working with now. He’s fucking giant, you come to find, and he looks less like a performer and more like a drifter, save for the clown make up he’s wearing. 6’6 of pure troll with a dopey ass smile on his face and a hand that could most definitely crush your face. Karkat is standing behind him, fiddling with something on Gamzee’s back. He looks happy about it, purring while Karkat fucks with-oh, he’s fucking with his hair. He’s fixing something with the hair on the back of his head just like he used to do with you. 
</p><p>You feel something crunch up in your chest, Karkat sees you seeing him. You walk away because there’s nothing else to do. You’re about to be up anyway, followed by Gamzee. It doesn’t matter though. It doesn’t matter because it’s not like you’ll be able to talk to Karkat anyway. Jade and Jake are in the front row, waiting for you guys to come out, and as the opener fades out you walk on stage with Dirk and John. 
</p><p>This is your biggest performance yet, fucking huge. There are so many faces in the crowd and as you play you only want for one. He’s all you think about, all you feel about. It makes you angry, in a way. It pisses you off that he can exercise so much power over you. Karkat has always been the one trailing behind you, watching your back while you watch his front, but only now are you realizing that really, you were chasing him. He was the one who encouraged your music, he was the one who went apartment hunting with you and Dirk before you moved out. He’s always been there, constant. Karkat is the salt in seawater and all that other gay shit. Now he’s gone. He left you for some random fucking clown who looks like he’s always fucking high. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Your hands are shaking against your guitar, but you’ll power through it. You’ll power through it all and then go back stage and-and you don’t fucking know nor do you fucking care. You play for two and a half hours, singing your voice hoarse. You’ll lose it if you don’t quit soon, it doesn’t matter though. None of it does. It doesn’t matter until you go backstage and grab Karkat by the wrist, dragging him off to a supply closet. 
</p><p>You don’t say a word to him. No, instead you smash your mouth into his and kiss him <i>hard</i>. You jam your tongue back into his weird alien mouth and he tries to push at you. You don’t let him. Soon enough he’s giving in, wrapping his arms around your neck and getting his hands in your hair. He kisses you with the same angry sort of ferocity. You press him against a sink lodged into the wall and try to pick him up. He’s heavy and you have to use the sink to sit him down. That makes it better, Karkat is purring into your mouth, your bodies perfectly slotted against one another. You roll your hips against his and he lets out a moan. Fuck. He’s so hot. He’s hotter than a god damn oven, than a fucking kitchen on fire. It’s definitely too hot, but no Mr. Fireman you do not need any help. You’ll definitely get all up in that hotness. You wanna stick your face in it, especially whatever the fuck is wiggling down in his pants. You don’t know how much time you have though, John and Dirk could start looking for you and Karkat any moment now. You’ll wait, pray that you have another opportunity just as good as this one. You’ll stick your face all up in Karkat’s alien bizz and eat out or suck whatever you have the chance for. 
</p><p>You’re a liar. 
</p><p>The moment you got Karkat’s pants around his ankle and him bent over the sink you were blessed with a sight so amazing that you nearly started believing in God. A candy red alien cunt mixed with a fucking tentdick. 
</p><p>”Holy shit,” is the only thing that comes out of your mouth as you get on your knees in front of him.
</p><p>You get to work immediately, sucking and slurping all that weird red fluid that’s leaving out of him. Karkat’s noises are muffled and it is only belatedly that you notice that he’s practically eating his shirt to stay silent. The entire bottom half of your face feels like it’s covered in his alien cooch juice and you’ve never felt more of a sense of pride. Your dick is straining in your pants, you could cut diamonds with your shit. 
</p><p>You kiss his cunt and listen to him whine. Your hands are clamped down on the meat of his ass, firm and nearly non-existent. It doesn’t matter though, he makes up for it in spades with this hot and ready Little Caesar’s pizza that he’s been housing for forever apparently. You think you can make him cum like this if the way his tentacle dick is wiggling around says anything. You don’t want that though, not yet. You have no fucking clue what’ll happen if you get him to cum and you need this to be the best experience of your life because you’ll probably never get a chance like this again. You shoot to your feet, knees weak and tingly from how long you’ve been on them. Karkat is whimpering below you.
</p><p>”Don’t worry Vantass, I just need to whip it out and then we’ll be back en route to fucksville.” 
</p><p>Karkat stomps on your foot and you have to hold back a cry. 
</p><p>You pull out your dick faster than you ever have in your entire life, and then, all too suddenly, the head is pressed right up against the entrance to the hottest fucking thing you’ve ever felt in your life. Karkat’s thighs are shaking and it’s obvious the only thing allowing him to stay up is the sink. Bless whoever built this sink. 
</p><p>You slide in slow and can’t help the long groan you let out. Karkat is fairing not much better, letting out these weird little alien noises that make you both feel like you’re fucking an animal and like you’re getting to experience a part of Karkat you never have before. God, he’s so tight. 
</p><p>You try an experiment thrust and the squelch you hear is so loud you genuinely worry that someone outside might’ve heard you, but Karkat croons for you and it all melts away inside of him. Your thrusts are rhythmless at first, just you fucking into the tightest wettest thing you’ve ever experienced in your life. Karkat is moaning into his shirt, spit soaked and utterly gorgeous. Heaven is right here in this closet. You feel whatever you’ve been waiting to snap do so and fuck it feels like a rush of cold water. Like you’re a man in the desert and you’ve finally been blessed with an oasis. You listen to the way your hips slap against Karkat’s and all the lewd noises he makes. He only ever drops his shirt to share in another kiss with you. 
</p><p>You’re in love with Karkat. 
</p><p>Fuck.
</p><p>You pull out only to slam into him again, fuck him so hard that you know the imprint of the sink is going to bruise on to him. It’s all that you can think to do. You leave marks all over his neck and fuck him with a ferocity that you never knew you had. You’re in love with Karkat and you hate him for leaving and you want nothing more than for this moment to last forever. 
</p><p>This is not at all like how it is with Jade and you like it that way. You like that she’s in some far away place rather than actually so close. You like that she’s not here and you like that it’s you and Karkat like it always should've been. You like this and you like now and for the first time in months you’re satisfied. You don’t want for anything more than this and you have it. You feel yourself lose the rhythm again, Karkat’s red cunt juice is all over the floor, pooling by your feet and staining on your shoes and a little on your pants. Fuck that’s hot. You feel your orgasm punch through you like a fucking canonball. It’s so much that it destroys you. You’re a crumbling piece of who you once were as you feel Karkat practically milk you for all you’ve got. You have enough courtesy though, the minute you can control one of your arms, you bring your hand over to Karkat’s tentadick and let it rub all over you, right until Karkat cums all over the place. It gets practically everywhere and he squeezes you so tight that you think he’s gonna end up biting your dick off with his nook. 
</p><p>You sit there for a while, watching as his alien dick slides back into him and feeling your own dick soften. The mess is all over the place and mostly on Karkat. You feel guilty, especially when all you’ve gotta do is wipe the red off of your dick and your shoes. 
</p><p>”I’ll go get pants or something”
</p><p>He sighs, exasperated, “No Dave, if someone sees you coming back in here with pants then they’re obviously going to know that we just pailed each other in public like a couple of idiots”
</p><p>”Then what do you want me to do? Manifest a pair for you?” You cock your head to the side at him and his expression does nothing but get a tad angrier. 
</p><p>”Look, Dave. I don’t want you “do” anything. Well, okay, that’s not true. I want you to do one thing. That pailing session….it wasn’t….it was something in the flush territory, right?”
 </p><p>Your face gets hot. 
</p><p>”I mean, yeah. That wasn’t just, like, a quick homie fuck or anything.”
</p><p>”If that’s the case, and you actually want to pursue something with me that’s more than our current…..shitty fucking friendship. Then you have to tell Jade, I will not be someone’s secret concupiscent partner. If we’re going to be together than it has to be <i>real</i>.
</p><p>”Yeah-yeah that makes sense man. I’ll tell Jade, seriously I will, but does that mean you’re coming back?”
</p><p>”Well, no. Probably not. I’ve heard too many stories about people in groups entering quadrants together and it ruining the interpersonal ecosystem. I might...consider it though….”
</p><p>Your heart <i>leaps</i> and you don’t even fight off the grin you feel. 
</p><p>”You have three days Dave. That’s when Gamzee has gotta go off for some super fucking weird interview in the woods with a guy from the internet. I don’t know why he’s doing it but it’s been penciled into his schedule for longer than I’ve been here.”
</p><p>With that, Karkat helps you clean off and sends you out, refusing to let you worry about him and his cleanliness. 
</p><p>You’re floating on Cloud 9, until you see John and Dirk. Gamzee is still out there, performing. You couldn’t have been gone for longer than maybe twenty minutes and you realize that his music was probably loud enough to have covered up what you’ve done. Neither of them look the wiser, but, for some reason, you feel a sense of dread. You have to tell Jade what you did, tell her that you guys are breaking up. You have to come out to her all for the sake of this break up and God forbid anyone find out. Fuck. You remember when you were a kid, how Bro used to get absolutely pissed at Dirk if he caught wind of him fucking around with a guy. Of course, it wasn’t often, but when he did Dirk got hell for it. Something disgusting crawls up your spine, it hurts like a bruise and chills you down to your core. 
</p><p>You promised Karkat you would tell Jade, and you have 72 hours to do it. 
</p><p>It doesn’t have to be tonight.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi kudos, comments, etc are greatly appreciated and there is a 99% chance that if you comment I'll reply.</p><p>@tamyura_on twt<br/>@porcelain_babies on insta</p></blockquote></div></div>
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